The Boy – End of Dates

For my friend at the school gates who was eagerly awaiting the next instalment in my dating saga; I have been ghosted.

Oh! The shame!

So it turns out that The Boy was exactly that, a childish boy. I’ve never been on the receiving end of a ghosting episode, I always thought it was for the very fabulous, busy millennial types who have grown up with this world of uber-efficient mate choosing. I mean, who cares about the feelings of one potential lover when there are another ten queueing up?

However, I didn’t expect to be cast into a black hole by a fully grown, 40-year-old, man.

For those of you who are unaware of the ghosting phenomenon, it is a very harsh and unspeakably rude way of being dumped. Basically, if you want to cut ties with someone you are dating, you simply stop all communication. Delete their number, WhatsApp conversations, facebook friendship etc. etc. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

No, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’. None of this, ‘I’m just not ready for a relationship’, or ‘I really like you, but…’. Not even a slow fizzle out, without ever having to explain. It’s brutal.

Ghosting – Urban Dictionary
The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.

Carmen: How was your second date with Kyle?
Beth: I thought it went well, but I’ve texted him a couple of times since then and he’s been ghosting me.
Carmen: What? I thought he was more mature than that.

So that was that! And then, to add insult to injury, when I shared my tale with the ExOH he said, “Awww”, (side head tilt) “I bet that was a knock to your confidence?”. Pffft! NO!!! It was far more indicative of his immaturity, lack of respect and, for me I suspect, a lucky escape…

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The Boy – Fourth Date

As Date 4 with The Boy approached I was feeling more and more nervous. Or maybe excited? I couldn't quite put my finger on what the feeling was.  I think it's because I'm pretty wide of my norm with this one. He's loud and confident and has no filter whatsoever, what's in his head comes out of his mouth. Don't get me wrong, it's refreshing, however it can be a little surprising sometimes, and takes a bit of getting used to.

In the days before the date I started to get the impression that he wasn't really that interested in me. He'd been chatting to girls on Plenty of Fish, or at least thats the assumption I made when I'd stalked him to see if he was online. Now, I'm a pretty simple girl. If I'm dating someone, I don't chat to other guys. I'd rather build a relationship with the person who I'm sharing a bed with. Is that just me? Anyway, We've already established that I'm pretty useless at this whole new world of online dating. I have no idea of what the rules are… I decided to put my concerns to the back of my mind, marked Over Thinking.

We (I) decided to meet close to me, at this point I wasn't sure how the night would end given the lack of communication during the week. If I was going to call time on our little fling, I have a lot more ways to escape closer to home. However, during the day we'd been messaging and the friendly, flirtatious, happy Boy that I was used to had reappeared, things were looking up! As I waited for him to arrive the nerves and anticipation of earlier had vanished and I was just really looking forward to seeing him. This time, I was early. Sure enough, as he walked into the bar, those same feelings reappeared. The walk, the attitude, the smile.

My rose-tinted love spectacles were firmly back on.

The date itself was easy, we went to a few bars, bumped into some of my friends and had a good laugh. It was nice to see him relaxed and happy. For the first time I could actually see what we would be like as a couple, and I quite liked what I saw. I want to be with someone who will look after me. Not in the sense of being the Little Woman, I'm far too independent for that, but in a protective, alpha male, mutually respectful way. Does that make any sense?? Anyway, I was pretty happy with date 4.

The next morning we went for breakfast and he dropped me off at home, everything was just as it should be. The Boy was back with me and I was feeling positive about a potential future for us.

That was Thursday morning. Today is Saturday. In the 48 hours in between The Boy has gone quiet on me again! I just don't get it and it's driving me slightly crazy!!

I think I'm at the point now where I either need to accept that he is just busy, and not a prolific communicator, or he's only interested in seeing me for the sex. We're both busy people and finding time to see each other can be tricky when we're juggling his rota and my days and nights with the children. Maybe it's just too much like hard work for him and he doesn't know how to tell me, maybe he's just hoping that the lack of communication will send the message for him?

I think the best thing for me to do is just stop thinking about it. If he wants to get in touch he will. Quite frankly I don't have the headspace to be screwing over a boy, or the time to sit around waiting to see if he likes me back.

And then I think, 'What would my Mum say?'. She'd tell me to forget about him, put my invisible crown back on and wait for someone who appreciates me, and isn't afraid to show it. I'm with Mum.

 

 

 

 

The Boy – Third Date

Dating – The Boy – 3rd Date – Tues 10th Jan

It’s date three! Hurrah!! Now, after a pretty intense first week, I have high hopes for The Boy. He ticks a lot of my boxes, and quite a few that I didn’t know I had.

I arrived at his flat, having had a pretty crummy afternoon. I had mentioned to him in passing that it hadn’t been the best day, and when I arrived I found he’d been out and got us a really lovely bottle of wine. The Boy likes really good wine, so this was a really good bottle of wine. I melted a little bit more.

We sat and chatted, and that’s when things changed. He’d had a pretty stressful time at work and vented his frustrations to me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that at all, I know what it’s like when you don’t have anyone to share your shit with, so I was happy to listen. But for the rest of the evening he was on edge, a bit grumpy and generally out of sorts. This was a massive difference to the crazy happy Boy I’d met the week earlier. Still, we went for dinner and had good time, conversation was easy, we had a giggle, but he was still distant. The next day, he was still on edge and I left early.

And I’ve not seen him since.

To be fair, we’ve both been under the weather, him more so than I. But his messages are fewer, and a bit distracted. To be perfectly honest, I’ve been driving myself slightly nuts over this one.

What did I do wrong?

Did I not do enough?

Maybe it’s not me?

Maybe he’s just ill?

Head:   “He’s probably just busy, stop over analysing”

Heart:   “I need feedback…”

Head, again:   “I don’t have time for this, I have waaaay more important things to do.” 

Heart :   “But I like him!” 

Head:   “Forget about it, he’s clearly not interested, don’t lose your shit.”

You know the drill.

We have arranged to see each other again, I’ve got no idea what to expect and I’m really, really nervous – in fact – my stomach is in knots.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see…

The Boy – Second Date

Dating – The Boy – 2nd Date – 5th Jan/8th Jan

Does it count as a second date if it’s brunch the morning after a crazy passionate first night?

Surprisingly, the morning after the night before felt totally natural. The Boy is very easy to be around, and a total gentleman. After a lazy morning we decided to head out for brunch. The conversation continued to flow; we like a lot of the same things and have very similar values. He continued to surprise me with little things he would say, all adding to the ticks that were lining up in my head.

Tall
Funny
Gentle
Confident
Thoughtful
Ambitious
Intelligent
Slightly bonkers

Lot’s of ticks…

He dropped me off at home and we arranged our ‘official’ second date. Now I’m pretty well known for getting very over excited about positive things. Rose tinted love spectacles are firmly on at this point, but hey, who doesn’t like to get lost in a romantic idea??

Sunday evening, the date night, came around pretty quickly – the benefit of being a busy mama – and I got myself ready to go, and there they were, those butterflies. And questions…

What happens if he looks different to how I remember?
What if I imagined it all?
What if I’m not like he remembers and he pulls a face?

He came out to meet me and all the fears were dissipated, he was just as I remembered. Phew! We went for a drink, followed by dinner. Given that we had only met a few days ago, some pretty big questions were aired. Namely the ‘would you have any more children?’ clanger. This is a biggie for me. Having a baby is a massive deal for anyone, but for me, the two little darlings that I have came with crazy post natal depression; two years of having my head up my arse both times. Having another would take some serious consideration and stability, but I love babies, so it’s not totally out of the question. Despite this, the conversation felt OK. He sent me nice little text messages as the evening went on, made me smile and laugh and generally feel special. As the night went on he opened up a bit more. Behind the loud, in control, exhibitionist exterior I found a soft, adorable manboy. We were both totally ourselves and it felt amazing.

When I left, I couldn’t wait for the next time. All the heart eyes. 😍 😍 😍

 

 

The Boy – First Date

Dating – The Boy – First Date – 4th Jan

After my lovely time with Andy fizzled out, I had a bit more confidence in the whole dating game. He had been wonderful company, generous, loving and amazing in bed. We just weren’t compatible in the end, I think I was a bit too bonkers for him.

So, after a bit of a melancholy Christmas, I decided to give my nemesis, Plenty of Fish one last go.

And, after swiftly deleting lots of unsuitable suitors (learned that lesson before, time wasters need not apply), I was left with about four interesting, potentially eligible, guys. The one I was least interested in kept messaging me, but I was distant. He didn’t fit my ‘type’ at all, but he was interesting. He gave me his number after messaging a few times, but I ignored it. I kept him at arms length as I wasn’t really ready to date again, I made the excuse to myself that I just didn’t have time. I’m a mother, I have a new work project, I have a house to build, I need to lose 20lbs… I was pretty good at convincing myself.

I’d been chatting to a few other guys, but this one kept my attention. After the other conversations quickly got tired, he was still there, being funny and charming, and normal. He wasn’t risqué, or arrogant, or demanding. It was refreshing! By this time, I had become so bored of “How’s you??” and, “Hey babes, nice lips ;-)” from random guys, that I messaged The Boy and told him I was removing myself from POF as it was slowly driving my crazy, I didn’t have time and was generally disinterested. I gave him my number because, well,  there was just something about him. Logged myself off POF, and that was that.

Then what happened was quite unexpected. I was waiting for him to message me. You know that little frission of anticipation that you feel? I stalked my screen every ten seconds, and then,

Monday 2 Jan – 19:02 “Well good evening. 😊 Xx”

We chatted for hours about Disney, pizza, family, ambition, getting fit & fresh sheets. He was witty and intelligent, and knew the difference between there, their and they’re. We arranged a drink at my own First Dates bar.

As I got ready, I was excited! He’d admitted that he didn’t usually go on dates and was pretty nervous, setting me perfectly at ease. Being at least a stone overweight and pasty as hell wasn’t even getting me down. I threw on my best ‘cover all sins’ reasonable outfit and off I went. It was just a drink, nothing was going to happen, I was taking this one sloooowly.

As I approached the nerves kicked in. That awkward split second when you are looking around for someone you’ve never met before. ‘I’m the dude in the hat’ was all I had to go on. And then I spotted him. Tall, louche, casual, and sexy as hell. Our eyes met and he smiled the best cheeky smile, and that was it…

No awkward conversation, lots of gin and a few hours later and we realised that we were both really hungry. The kitchen had closed so we left to find somewhere that would feed us, we stepped outside giggling like children and then he grabbed me and kissed me, totally out of the blue. He was big and confident and Alpha. That was it, I was hooked. We found somewhere willing to feed us given the late hour, and spent the rest of the night laughing, talking and being silly. Perfect first date.

As the night drew to a close it became abundantly clear that neither of us wanted to leave, and I woke up the next day wrapped up in his arms. Damn. That was not supposed to happen…

Dating – The Story So Far: Part 4

After my reckless night with Anthony, and somewhat disappointing experience with Paul, I binned Plenty of Fish and decided to try another ‘grown-up’ dating site. Eharmony.

The sign up was pretty simple, as it is for all the dating sites. Within about three hours of me signing up, I get a message from a sweet looking guy. Eharmony makes you go through various compatibility tests before you are allowed to directly message someone. This is great because you get to figure out very quickly if a guy is a knob or not. Or indeed if you have anything in common.

We started chatting after the initial filters had been deemed acceptable and we got on really well. He wasn’t like the others. Not cocky, not remotely shallow, a genuinely lovely bloke. After several days of messaging we arranged to go on a date, I’ll never forget that moment when our eyes first met, it was raw and intense. I think that because he had been so gentle, and genuine, I was half expecting not to fancy him. This, thankfully, was not the case…

We drank and ate, and drank some more. It felt like we’d known each other for years. We went for dinner at a local Italian and the staff totally forgot about us, but it didn’t matter. He was just as laid back as me, and we were having such a great time, neither of us cared. Then we went to a bar, then another bar. As the night went on it became clear that neither of us wanted to leave, so we went back to mine and watched a couple of films. Well, we didn’t ACTUALLY watch them, we were too busy chatting, and kissing and generally having a very nice time. All Night Long.

I’d already expressly told him that there was a ‘no sex on the first date’ rule. In any case, he wasn’t really that kind of guy, much more of a gentleman. However, I can categorically say that he was THE BEST KISSER EVER.

Andy, I salute you.

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Dating – The Story So Far: Part 3

 

Dating, the story so far : Part 3

So after The Beast, I started to feel a little bit more positive about meeting someone. He had been funny, smart and a total gentleman, well, most of the time…

After some wine, one summer evening, I was chatting with a friend and we decided to set me up a Plenty of Fish account.

Plenty of Fish is a bit like the Tesco of online dating. One site fits all.

I was apprehensive at first, after my first attempt at this internet dating game went so badly, but thought, what the hell…

POF is a minefield of tattooed biceps, ripped torsos, cyber dweebs and guys who have zero idea of what a good photograph looks like, bless ’em. They lie about their age, occupation, marital status; the works. Or so I have learned.

But I digress. I thought, I’ll take this with pinch of salt, let’s just see what happens. I had loads of messages – I was the obvious newbie.

After what felt like hours of reading though messages, and studiously getting back to prospective suitors (you do not need to do this, just delete them, no one will be offended so I found out), I whittled them down to a couple of potential beaus.

There was the wayward business owner, Paul, and the investment entrepreneur, Anthony.

Paul looked like a fun-loving guy. He had two kids, tick.  His profile showed lots of larking around and general mayhem, tick. He could spell, tick. Why wouldn’t I go out with a guy like that? He loved to talk about his many weird and wonderful experiences of digital dating, it was interesting to hear the other side of the story. When we met, he was charming and interesting. Less handsome in real life if I’m being brutally honest, but he was kind and funny which is far more important in my book. Anyway, we had a couple of drinks and parted ways with date two arranged for a few days later. And thats when it changed. The jovial banter was replaced by some serious sex chat, I mean eye-watering stuff. I went along with it for a bit as it was quite entertaining, and I was a bit bored. Then he recorded himself having a wank and sent me the audio. And that was the end of that.

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And then there was Anthony. My date with Anthony is what I suspect most people use Tinder for. We had been chatting for a few days and he seemed like a very intelligent chap. He was fit, really beyond buff fit. Think Adonis. And he had money, a self made millionaire. Now I’ve never been out with anyone like that before, I’d feel way too self conscious and under-achieving. However, I’d had a pretty rough day at work and we were chatting away on whatsapp when he suggested I come and meet him for a drink to cheer me up. It was about 10pm and I had had some wine at this point. That’s no excuse for what I did, but it did help. God, I hope my parents don’t read this…

He said, “I’m calling you a cab, get in it and we’ll go for dinner”.

{Safety Tip: This is what you definitely do not do}

I still can’t believe I actually trusted him enough to drag myself off the sofa, get ready, get in his cab, drive to Manchester and meet a total stranger. As it happens it was fine. We had a lovely time drinking champagne and nibbling on canapés. The staff were closing up around us, it was actually quite romantic. I’ll spare you the details of what happened next, but it involved a very expensive hotel room and the most outrageous walk of shame the next day…