So, it all began back in January…
After months of badgering from the girl gang, I joined the weird and wonderful world of online dating. I was NOT talking the likes of Tinder, Plenty of Fish etc, but a ‘grown up’ dating site. So off I trotted to match.com. Before long, I met a guy called Mark*. Mark was a witty, chatty kinda chap who sent me little quizzes so we could get to know each other. Pretty tame stuff:
Batman or Superman?
Favourite holiday destination?
Cats or Dogs?
You get the picture. This went on for a few days, then, he gained my trust and I gave him my number. And, it appears, that’s where things in this game change. The air quickly turned blue. We were now discussing sexual positions, domination and S&M.
So, you’d think I’d terminate the conversation at this point, but NO! Muggins here decided it would be fun to meet this guy!! The rest of the people on match.com were pretty uninspiring, so I thought ‘why that hell not?’. He was attractive, had a similar backstory to me, I’ll give hime the benefit of the doubt. I was new to this after all.
I was safe, followed the rules.
Meet in a public place.
Tell someone where you are going.
Find out real name of online dating avatar.
So, I walked nervously to the bar that we had arranged to meet in. It was in my hometown where I know a lot of people. The bar was packed full of recognisable faces and a feeling of dread came over me. What happens if I’m bringing a total weirdo into my personal space, and everybody sees?? I’d be devastated to be embarrassed in front of loads of people who I know. What happens if he is 65, with a greasy combover and a long mac? I quickly dashed away from the door and messaged him to change venue. And then I heard my name, he was in front of me; 6’2”, dark, brooding and handsome. As I looked up he was 5” from me and planted a smacker right on my lips, tongue and all! Um, OK. That was unexpected…
So after the strangest ‘hello’ I’ve ever had, I explained that I wanted to go elsewhere and suggested a bar in the next town along. A very quiet bar with no one else in it. We chatted, and had a couple of drinks. It turned out that he was far more confident talking dirty on whatsapp than he was face to face. We didn’t have very much in common and it was excruciatingly awkward. After a long couple of hours, we walked back to his car (yep, broke that rule), did a bit more uninspiring kissing (I’m not sure why, I guess I felt obliged?) and then he dropped me off at home. And didn’t come in.
match.com was sacked, and so was online dating.
NB. *Names have been changed